Thursday, September 9, 2010

Toddler Miracle Diet

I work with toddlers every day and I think they are the most fascinating people on the planet.  Their eating habits are a bit strange and they can throw some serious tantrums...but they are cute, funny, trusting, lovable and happy!  I am always looking to lose a few pounds, but I hate dieting.  I came across this Toddler Miracle Diet and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  So, read on and ENJOY!!   :)

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days.  Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim.  Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.  Good Luck!

Day 1:

Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.  Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly all over your face and clothes.

Lunch:  Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest on the dog).

Dinner:  A dry stick, 2 pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime Snack:  Lick a piece of toast and then throw it on the floor...

Day 2:

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of food dye.

Lunch:  Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:  Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.  Then bring it inside and drop it on the rug.

Dinner:  A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.  Pour grape juice all over your mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

Day 3:

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:  Three stale fruit snacks, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red juice.  Try to laugh some juice through nose, if possible. 

Day 4:

Breakfast:  A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar...once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.

Lunch:  Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:  A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate.  Tube of mascara for dessert.

Repeat menu and watch those pounds fall off!  Good luck!!

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